"Truth is, I’m taking a step back and taking some time to think."

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I want to get this job, so so badly.
I don’t even want it for $750+ a week. I want it because it could take me somewhere, I could go so far, starting off with this.
And it was my Father’s first proper job. Look at him, now…

Plus, money would help with a lot of things.
I could dress nice, I could buy other people things, for a change.
I have no interest in getting drunk and doing droogs, all I need is cigarettes and some nice clothes, once in a while.
It’d feel so good to always look respectable…
That’s the kind of pay I’d be able to move out, on. And i could get tattoos. In less than 10 months time, I could move out and start getting inked.

I’d have a reason to get out of bed early. Yes, it’d be a trek, until I have my license. If I get it.
I’d have money and a reason to operate.
I really hope I’m able to get this job.

I remember our first conversation…
I remember the first thing you said to me in person, and the first thing I said to you.
I remember when we first held hands. The first time we kissed. Accidentally head butting you.
I remember the first time I cheated on you.
I remember our first break up, I was told that was the happiest one of my best friends had ever seen me.
I remember crawling back to you, and you welcoming me with open arms. I remember telling you I loved you.
I remember taking your virginity, what an unfortunate night.
I remember the sex, every time we were together, again and again and again.
I remember cheating on you again, and again, and again…
I remember when she told you, I cried so hard. I was so scared you’d never speak to me again.
I remember sitting in a gift shop for 15 minutes picking out the perfect thing for you, a blue slice of rock that felt and looked like glass.
I remember trying to plan some grand romantic gesture, to try bring us back to normal, back into love.
I remember coming home, and you walking through my door. I could barely recognise you. You looked so different, in the space of a week.
I remember you asking me why, and leaving the room.
I remember describing how everything felt wrong. How everything was off, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I remember sitting at home, I knew that it was coming.
I remember the conversation, I’ve read it countless times.
“Can I see you tomorrow? We need to talk…”
“Are you going to break up with me?”
“Ehhh…”
I remember crying and crying and crying. My Dad had to sit with me until I fell asleep.
I remember seeing you the next day, I didn’t know what to do.
I remember them telling me to just go win you back. They told me it had happened before, why not now?
I remember our kiss at midnight, January 1st 2011.
I remember laying in his room, on the other side from you. You asked what was wrong. What was wrong…
I remember you moving onto three of my best friends. They didn’t care to think of me at all.
I remember you apologising for being so cold towards me. They were the words… We had sex that night.
I remember you “coming to visit Gordon.” Everyone knew what was really happening.
I remember you cheating on your boyfriend, months later, with me, in our friend’s bed.
I remember waiting for months to find a girl to get over you, and when I did, cheating on her with you. You cheating on your boyfriend with me.
I remember laying in bed with you the next afternoon, you seemed so happy, you told me you missed me, 9 months after we had broken up.
That was the last time we ever laid together.

I thought about this everyday for so so long. I told myself everyday, if I could go back and fix it, I would do it. I’m not sure I ever really recovered from that, I’m not sure I’m ready for that with anyone else… It will just happen again, and I’ll feel so empty.

But 18 months later, would I go back and fix it? Or would I do it all again, relive it all over? I don’t think I could, it’s time I forget.

And you, YOU! I know you check this every day. I’m sorry this wasn’t for you. I’m sorry you’ve read all this. I’m not sure I can ever be that close with you, have that with you. You’re amazing, you’re brilliant, you’re my sun and you are my stars… But everything has to end. We will, and I know it’ll be on your terms. I don’t think I can open myself up so much, ever again. I’m not ready for all the pressure, emptiness, regret and depression. I can’t handle it, again.
I’m sitting 10 meters away from you and I am crying, I’m scared.

I don’t know what to do.

Love’s a delicate thing that we do, with nothing to prove, which I never knew.

I love you so much, you’ve given me something to live for.
It’s not been long, but I already think I’d be lost without you.
Don’t leave, please. Not yet.

I don’t know how much that means to you, it’s understandable that it means nothing…

That’s the first time I’ve said no, in the situation. To me, that’s a lot.

Funny though, was so easy in the end, kind of strange.

Hrm, I love you.

I’m the worst boyfriend.

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